Russia, I know that things between us have been pretty weird lately, but if you’re reading this, I have a request. I would like you to use your intruder horde to find Donald Trump’s golf scorecards. I think you will probably be reinforced mightily by our press. You don’t have to do it right now, but I pray you to think it over.
See, as I write this, America’s Commander in Chief has played golf 16 hours since the inauguration. That figure will be in the 20 s by the time you read this after Easter weekend – and all in only 12 weeks in office. He’s on tempo to gambling more rounds in one expression than Obama played in two, and his golf tours have him on track to waste more on advance in his first year than Obama done so in eight. So far he’s spent $35,000 on golf go-carts so his secret service detail can follow him as he plays, fund that extends from the tax payer instantly into his own resort hotel.
Yes , there is a degree of hypocrisy here. Yes , nominee Trump did mock Obama for how often he played golf and reassured his supporters he wouldn’t do the same when he said, “because I’ll be working for you, I won’t have time to play golf.”
And, yes , there was that time he promised he wouldn’t play golf at all because he exactly craves “to stay in the White House and work my ass off, prepare great deal, right? Who’s gonna leave? Who’s gonna leave? “
But all chairpeople play golf. And if all presidents do it, then dammit, what’s the point of all of this if Trump isn’t the best presidential golfer of all time? And how are we supposed to know if he is or isn’t the best presidential golfer of all time if he doesn’t release his scorecards, which he’s never made public?
Russia, that’s where you come in.
Sasha Mordovets/ Getty
“I’m listening … ”
Only you, with your vast legions of scraggly hackers crammed into nondescript Moscow office builds that reek of Red Bull and roasted moose cheeks can hack into whatever the natural habitat of a scorecard is and release them. The American beings deserve to learn Trump’s true-blue golf disability. It’s a vital article of information that will be used to determine if our chairperson needs to devote more time to governing or to his chip shots from the rough.
A handicap is a number golfers use as a measuring stick to liken each other’s abilities. The lowering the figure, the better the golfer. President Trump has claimed his handicap is +2.8. Far be it from me to cast doubt. He owns multiple golf course and I own an expired membership to a driving assortment. I’m sure he’s skilled, but since that handicap would form him an extraordinarily good golfer for his age and his, let’s say, corpulence, the American people need the thousands of scorecards he’s building up over the years to be exhausted and verified by an independent commission of golf experts. This committee would consist of a squad of four, all of whom will have either previously worked for Goldman Sachs or were on Trump’s transition team. Or both.
Russia, we need you to release the information collected , is not merely to reassure us that our chairperson is wrecking ass on the green the acces someone with a +2.8 disability would, but to make sure that he’s deserving that +2.8 legitimately. Here’s why: Numerous people have been saying that Donald Trump cheats at golf. I know. Gasp.
Ian MacNicol/ Stringer
Here we witness the largest lily-white MAGA elephant in his natural environment .
If there’s one thing I learned in my short time as a really bad golfer, it’s that golf is a game of honor. A fib on a scorecard can be achieved through a reputation ruined for a lifetime. I don’t want to throw vengeful slurs on our chairperson, whose +2.8 disable is up there in the Head of State Golf Hall of Fame with that time Kim Jong-Ill made 11 holes-in-one in the first round of golf he ever played in his life at the age of 52, but rumors about Trump’s golf impropriety have been flowing for years. Numerous parties have been saying this. Many people.
Samuel L. Jackson is an avid golfer and he’s never been shy about publicly expressing the rumors of Trump’s cheating. Harmonizing to former boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya, Trump once interjected himself into Oscar’s golf game simply to cheat his road through the entire round. Legendary shock rocker and improbable golf maniac Alice Cooper was once questioned which personality was the biggest golf cheater. His response: “I played with Donald Trump one time. That’s all I’m going to say.” The former managing editor of Sports Illustrated magazine played a round with Trump in the mid-‘9 0s. He claims Trump smacked a ball into a thicket of grass. A rainfall came on, so they ducked for plow. When they came back, the ball had somehow stirred it from the thicket to 10 paws from the pin.
What constitutes this a real head-scratcher is that in every single event mentioned above, Trump has claimed his accusers are the liars and that he’s never once chiselled in their own lives. Frankly, Russia, we don’t know who to accept. What’s even weirder is that it’s not like his accusers have anything to gain, unlike those nearly 20 nasty girls who’ve claimed Trump sexually assaulted them so they can take his money, all his golf courses, and divided his presidential dominances evenly amongst themselves. I’m beginning to suspect Samuel L. Jackson, Oscar De La Hoya, the former managing editor of Sports Illustrated , and Alice Cooper have been working together for decades to stir parties feel Donald Trump habitually dedicates golf fraud.
This is a serious allegation that, if genuine, could sully Donald Trump’s bequest as a chairman who golfed a lot. Or, more likely, it can exonerate him, which, frankly, would allow me and millions of Americans to breathe a huge rustle of aid. Eventually, thanks to you, Russia, the matter would be put to rest and we could go back to exploding into uproarious applause and maniacal grunts of comfort when we receive our usual Friday afternoon notification that President Donald Trump has property safely in Florida and is already three gaps deep. Personally, I merely hope the scorecards demonstrate Trump has been too humble to reveal that he’s already violated Kim Jong-Ill’s hole-in-one record many times over. I potted he has. God, what a man.