This week in #HoverboardCrime

Every great civilization arrives at its tipping extent. Perhaps it is starting to rot under the heavines of an insupportable statu system, or it knows itself forcing them to reckon with imperialist aggressors. In certain cases, an scholastic change may rewrite the relevant rules that undergird society.

In our example, it’s fucking hoverboards.

Can there be any doubt that these hands-free, gyroscopic scooters signal the end of the great neoliberal experiment? We’re talking about inventions that routinely take fire, tempt clergymen to sin, injure boxing champs, and cause movie-star freakouts on airplanes. There are only two ways the future can reveal: Either we exist, or the hoverboards do.

To acquire the time more forcefully, we here at the Daily Dot have taken it upon ourselves to cater a regular blotter of styles for #HoverboardCrime. If you are able to read this report every week and hold out hope for humanity, we’d very much like to know how.

Boca Raton, Florida Feb. 27: A 20 -year-old and a 17 -year-old boy stand accused of a fibre of thefts in a downtown library parking lot and allegedly embezzled two hoverboards earlier the working day. The duo apparently approached their last victims on said hoverboards and “unsuccessfully tried to take a pocketbook from one both women and a wallet, ” then absconded the background in a Honda, the Palm Beach Postreported. Why not try to escape on hoverboard? Because hoverboards suck. Newark, New Jersey Feb. 28: Police said that two men attempted to steal a hoverboard “from a house’s open garage, ” but while one was taken into custody, “the second suppose managed to flee.” We’re guessing he got away while the police were playing with the recovered hoverboard. Meanwhile, the guy they caught had bail set at $40,000, the monetary equivalent of about 200 hoverboards.

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