The noted countertop-grill retailer and ex-heavyweight champion has issued a challenge to Vladimir Putins best friend. If it ever happens, it will be a culture phenomenon is worth our disturbed times
It has become a cliche of the era to say we are getting which is something we deserve. We get the legislators we deserve, we get the presidents we deserve, we get the world we deserve. Without get exceedingly L’Oreal advert about it all, surely we deserve a reprieve from these just deserts? Can’t something hilarious and supernatural come along that we can all welcome with open arms, realize that the administration is, without question, going the thing that we deserve- and that it is good?
Yes. Yes it can. George Foreman has challenged Steven Seagal to a proper crusade. This is the cultural episode that should have you telling yourself” because I’m worth it “. Clearly, best available time to enjoy it is at this dare-to-dream stagecoach because I sense that one of the parties may ultimately end the contest can’t is moving forward. Perhaps because he’s too good. Perhaps because he’s afraid of hurting the other person. Maybe because he was demoted to chef after a bungled special forces operation to take out General Noriega.
But at this stage, when Seagal has pointedly hitherto to respond and everything still seems possible, let’s get down to the background. A few days ago, former two-time heavyweight champ of countries around the world and noted countertop grill retailer George Foreman took to Twitter to issue a challenge to cinema’s Steven Seagal. As all of us adrift on the strange tides of early 21 st-century culture should know, Seagal is something of a renaissance humankind himself, combining age-inappropriate, straight-to-gif action capacities with performing both as a hench-sensei/ fat best friend to Vladimir Putin, and as an occasional spokesmodel for the Russian arms industry.
That is not the half of it, although infinite restrictions mean we must gloss over his stint as an energy drink inventor and blues guitarist. Ditto the headlines he drew for his stint as an Arizona border-control guard– as part of the “posse” of recently pardoned horror sheriff Joe Arpaio– following which Seagal was accused of killing a puppy during a raid on a mansion. (” Animal abuser is a role I will not accept ,” loped a rebuttal that principally reminded completists like me of all the roles he has accepted. Some of the second largest acts are arguably on a par with canicide .)
And of course there is more- much better. Precisely when you think you know him, Seagal unfurls himself in a different direction. Crimea expert. Ukrainian national defence threat. Aikido trainer to the Serbian special forces. Like a series of lotus buds, his career decisions invariably rise above the shitty waters in which they germinated. And then they succumb and rot away again, and it all really smells somehow much, much worse than it did before. But I make the theme is the eternal cycles/second, or something.
Anyhow, on to Foreman’s challenge, which may or may not be provoked by Seagal’s recent outburst on Good Morning Britain. Lighted in from Moscow, where he now lives, he feelings about US athletes taking the knee in objection, showing:” I myself have risked “peoples lives” countless meters for the American pennant .” Mmm. As a young Katherine Heigl discloses in Under Siege 2: Dark Domain:” Uncle Casey’s got medals at home that are so secret he was able to never show them to anybody .” No uncertainty , no doubt. Seagal certainly has a order of the purple heart in rejecting domestic corruption lawsuits.
Shortly after this well-publicised rant, and indeed after the mass shooting in Las Vegas, Foreman tweeted:” Steven Seagal, I challenge you, one on one. I use boxing, you can use whatever. 10 rounds in Vegas .”
Well. I think you’ll concur those few reputations contain battalions, but the big-fight rubbish talk has been officially opened with that” you can use whatever “. As students of Seagal’s work will know, Steven has a seventh dan pitch-black region in aikido, and a 10 th dan in forming it sound like he was given his influences by Buddha at a mountain rendezvous in Nepal, sometime between the mid-Mahajanapada era and the North American theatrical release of Above the Law. He has wasted a lifetime talking up his “whatever”, while ever remaining sufficiently adaptable to improvise a weapon from a barroom towel, microwave or Native American something-or-other. To hear this art shape- the sugared pseudoscience- rejected as “whatever” by Foreman will surely mail him up the wall.
Where better to sets this than the ring? While Seagal urgently tries to come up with believable and face-saving provide answers to that question- and Foreman continues to goad him- we should consider the narrative of the tape. At 68, Foreman is three years older than Seagal, with both of them clocking in a bit older than the age that Rocky got back into the ring in Rocky Balboa. Which was pretend.
Weight? Look … I’m not sure we dare conjecture here. George’s grill certainly expresses those who are interested retaining lean muscle, while in his DVD jaunts, Seagal is mainly shot in darknes so dark it shapes Marlon Brando’s lair in Apocalypse Now seem striplit.
In expressions of other liabilities, Seagal’s widow’s peak is now being comprehensively out-acted by even John Travolta’s, and he may be panicked of knowledge something of what Andre Agassi went through during the 1990 French Open final. As the tennis virtuoso later divulged, there’d been some kind of toupee malfunction the night before, ensuing in him squaring up to Andres Gomez with it held together by paperclips, and being so worried about his rug coming off that he lost.
On the plus side, Seagal is a sort of demigod, having been formally declared a tulku( a reincarnated lama) by the oldest religion of Tibetan Buddhism. That may come with the competences of which we are as yet unaware.
He is, nonetheless, slightly less known for actual struggle than George Foreman. Seagal’s martial artistry was merely brought to a wider audience by his most famous purchaser. Yes, if you’ve ever watched a Seagal movie and wondered” How did this guy get into motion pictures ?”, you may like to know that he used to teach legendary former Creative Artists Agency overlord Michael Ovitz. Seagal’s stardom is mainly down to the fact that Ovitz couldn’t have a single second of the day where he wasn’t packaging some sort of deal, including at 5am or whatever ungodly hour he was wailing” judo CHOP !” at Steven, likely in some Beverly Hills aerobics studio where the part of” the Far eastern” was played by a silver bell and three jossticks. A idol was born- and the rest, as they say, is history.
It’s certainly in the past, anyway, with Seagal’s activities these days confined to touring Russian schools and limbs fairs with Putin, cheerleading for Trump and interpreting impatiently to western media that all governments dick around with other countries’ elections( I restate slightly ). Foreman’s history is a little more … well, earnestly historical.
Still, there you have it. Think of the buildup. Think of the training montages. Think of the news conference. Think of the undercard( predilection: Holyfield-Van Damme ). Think of the ponytail lumber for the hills.
It’s not going to happen in Vegas, but perhaps some ambitious dictator might pressure and stage it, as Mobutu Sese Seko did for the Rumble in the Jungle? Perhaps Putin could use it as a World Cup curtain-raiser next year? After all, Seagal now seems a wholly owned subsidiary of the Russian country, preferably like Ivan Drago, and could be introduced as fighting out of his home city of Moscow. That might swing the scale of assessments in his promotion( likely literally ). Though this would plainly be a game less morally colors than even Rocky IV. As for the refer of this epochal fit, it was appropriate to thrown open to all of us prospective pay-per-viewers. I’ll start the pellet wheeling with the Oh-No in the Dojo and the Twatting on the Matting, and invite further propositions at your earliest convenience.
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