A Recap Of Last-place Night’s 3-Hour Ariana Grande Promotion, Or The 2018 VMAs* Betches

As anyone who doesn’t live under a stone without wifi can tell you, the 2018 VMAs were last night. Awards were given, tushes were bared, and we all had to grapple with the dazing realization that in 2018, face tattoos are like, a situation. Here’s everything you need to know in order to be allowed to pretend you didn’t suck two glass of wine and fall asleep in your clothes halfway through.

The Hosts

This year the VMAs disappeared hostless which, tbh, was a godsend after Katy Perry’s happy apology of a act as legion last year, which I affectionately still refer to as “the stand-up show from Hell”.

Cardi and her baby open us up but–oh wait !– it’s absolutely no truth to the rumors newborn! It’s actually a moon husband. Was I the only party alleviated that Cardi didn’t actually drag an infant child up on theatre at such a loudly, late-night happening? Am I the only person who reckons babes and small children don’t belong at the VMAs? More on this later…

For the rest of the see, the VMAs marked hosting obediences among various categories of beings, from charismatic hotshots( hi Cardi) to actual humorists( put Tiffany Haddish on every stage delight) to what I can only assume are soulless cardboard cutouts of human beings that MTV inspires to star in their 3 million television shows.

The only people who got this format right, IMHO, were Tiffany Haddish and Kevin Hart, who came out and yielded a absolutely psychotic roast-style sermon that realise me believe, “these two are on pharmaceuticals, and it is WORKING.”

Hart retained it semi-political, saying events like “in this game you’re allowed to kneel! ” while Haddish saved her notes for the stars, “the worlds largest” tricky of which was when she exhaustively mispronounced Camila Cabello’s name and then ribbed Fifth Harmony for not being invited while Camila was nominated for literally everything.

Cabello, who was in full princess gown mode, clearly didn’t revalue any of it. I intend, being reminded of the time you lost all your friends is probably not the best way to kick off a fancy awarding show.

Also not appreciative of the comment was Nicki Minaj, who wasted no time starting sh* t when she was accepting her award for better Hip Hop, telling Tiffany Haddish not to come for Normani because she’s “that b* tch.”

Me During This Moment : Oh no oh God if Tiffany Haddish and Nicki Minaj pushed I won’t know what to do who do I substantiate I dislike when friends are opposing I can’t handle this anxiety–
Nicki( to Tiffany ): No, I love you.
Me : OH THANK GOD MOM& DAD ARE GONNA BE FINE!

The rest of the hosts vacillated between “passable” to “painfully awkward and I want to die.” In the tolerable category were Keegan Michael-Key and Olivia Munn, who did a classic “I’m speaking the wrong rows! ” bit.

In the “painfully awkward and I want to die category” were Blake Lively, Ana Kendrick, and the Rockettes, who I’d say got an A for endeavour and an F for executing. The whole premise of the bit was that Lively( dressed like she’s starring in an off-broadway production of Cabaret ) knows the Rockettes. She announces on the Rockettes to come out, they don’t, so then Kendrick starts explaining how their brand-new movie “will get you laid” when the Rockettes do show up, cause a full performance, and Kendrick and Lively alone observe once they’re done with their strange pantomime routine.

If the above paragraph was mystifying for you, that’s because the whole event was confounding and frankly, I expect more from Anna Kendrick.

Just when I was starting to feel like I was too old to understand wtf gone on at the VMAs anymore, the MTV Gods gifted us early 90 s newborns with Jimmy Fallon introducing Panic! At The Disco, who then preceded into another awkward intro by the Backstreet Boys.

Me Watching This Scene : Millie Bobby Brown Watching This Scene :

The Backstreet Boys sang one hymn from each of the “Song Of The Year” nominees, and I got the distinct impression that they hadn’t practised. The whole thing was very awkward and manufactured me even sadder than Logic’s immigration performance( we’ll get at that later ). But I acknowledge the person or persons at MTV shedding a bone to those of us who remember what dial-up internet was like.

IMHO, the true unofficial hosts of the VMAs were Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande, to whom the camera crew cut approximately 100,000 seasons throughout the demonstrate, merely to make sure we were all still given attention and aware that they are engaged.

Conclusion: The only concept worse that people trying to be entertaining at the VMAs is people who don’t try to be joke at the VMAs.

The Awards

Like most VMAs( except the infamous “I’mma let you finish but…” minute ), the bestows were handed out somewhat predictably and the only real minute of tension was the aforementioned Nicki-Tiffany beef.

To reiterate, Nicki got Best Hip-Hop for “Chun Li” and Ariana facilitated her get up to the stage. #WomenSupportingWomen. She then screams out Ariana Grande later in her credence pronunciation because frankly this whole show is really just about Ariana Grande at this point.

Speaking of Ariana Grande, she triumphed Best Pop, where she thanked “her friends on the internet”( relatable) and Pete Davidson “for existing.” A ringing blurb from one fiancee to another.

Post Malone and 21 Savage acquired for “Rockstar, ” Childish Gambino triumphed Best Video With A Message( and had his choreographer admit because he’s a Renaissance Man with better sh* t to do ), J Balvin triumphed for Best Latin, and JLo, Cardi, and DJ Khaled get Best Collaboration.

Cardi also triumphed Best New Artist which is well deserved but likewise entertaining to think of her as “new” because I truly cannot remember anything from before Cardi B are entered into my life.

Did anybody else find they had to secure like, five people to facilitate Cardi get on stage just so they could march her back down into the gathering to get her Moon Man from Millie Bobby Brown, which she immediately handed back to Millie( who is the same length as the Moon Man ), because, and I mention, “this sh* t is heavy.” That seemed avoidable.

The rest of the major bestows( Video of the Year& Artist of the Year) was just going to Camila Cabello, who came a long way since get roasted and having her epithet mispronounced at the beginning of the depict. From here on out, 2018 will be known as El Ano Cabello.

The Performances

TL ;D R on last night’s concerts is that the women kill my father and “the mens” were like…fine.

Shawn Mendes knocked us off by making the gathering excessively wet–I’m sorry, he made himself terribly soaking playing guitar under a single nimbus cloud like he’s a sexy Charlie Brown or something.

Logic, of all the busters, delivered it the more difficult with a conduct of his single “One Day” where he wore a shirt that says “F* ck the Wall” and brought up immigration activists from United We Dream, Make The Road New York, and the National Domestic Craftsmen Alliance. They all participated from the back of the building wearing grey T-shirts a la Eminem’s 2000 execution of “The Real Slim Shady ,” except this time instead of slut-shaming Christina Aguilera, the creator made a harrowing affirmation about immigrant rights and citizenship in America. 2018 really is something.

The good concerts were by Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande. At first, I was shocked they would dare employed Nicki on the outside stage, but she killed it in her Egyptian-inspired execution of “Barbie Dreams” and “Fefe.” The gang was literally singing every word although there is the album came out two seconds ago so, yeah, I reckon the monicker “Queen” is accurate.

We were all watching and waiting for Ari to perform, the practice Pete Davidson watches Ari while she sleeps and waits for her to get up. And lemme tell ya, she delivered.

How good is being engaged to the buster who spawned the term “Big D* ck Energy? ” Good enough to shed yourself as Jesus in a Last supper inspired rendition of “God Is A Woman.” Then Ariana ended by introducing out her ancestors( i.e her mama, aunt, and grandma) out with no preface like we’re supposed to know who the f* ck these people are.

Diva status: Achieved.

Maluma did history as the first Latin artist to ever perform on the VMAs. He hindered it pretty simple, dancing with a random seductive maid on a programme before trenching her to travel dance with Camila Cabello and her mom.

Aerosmith, apparently, also played, but I gotta be honest and say we were like 2.5 hours deep into this award depict at that point, and Aerosmith reminds me of my ex so I kinda checked out. I’m sure they were fine.

The Video Vanguard Award

So certainly no discussion of the night’s conducts would be complete without talking about our Video Vanguard Award winner, motherf* ckin’ Jennifer Lopez.

Did you know that JLo’s notorious light-green Grammy’s dress was the reason Google devised Google Image investigation , because so many parties were Googling the dress it constituted them recognize they needed an portrait option? I learned that on Twitter last-place nighttime and have been sway ever since.

In keeping with the fact that she’s literally the b* tch who developed Google personas, JLo’s performance was amazing. She started by singing “Waiting For Tonight” while winging around, then launched into a medley of all her hits.

[ Moment of stillnes for the sheer publication of bangers JLO has offering us over her long and prosperous busines]

I actually clutched my heart and said, “aww! ” when she started “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing, ” at which point the stage altered from a Minaj-esque Egyptian motif to a snow bunny theme which I is simply portrait was an homage to the “All I Have” video with LL Cool J.

At one point DJ Khaled comes out and I feel like its 50/50 as to whether or not he was asked to perform, or simply can’t improve but screaming “ANOTHER ONE” into any available microphone.

The better cameo, clearly, was when Ja Rule came out to help her play “I’m Real” and “Ain’t It Funny, ” demonstrate that JLO is not a beautiful vanguard, but a benevolent one. She’s forgiven Ja Rule for Fyre Festival, and so too shall we.

Anybody else expend this entire execution thinking about how JLo is 49 years old? The only stuff of note I’ll possibly be doing when I’m 49 gone on Dr. Pimple Popper to have a fatty lipoma removed.

Once the performance was over we cut to Shawn Mendes, who absolutely f* cking blew it. Or the VMAs blew it. Or everybody blew it. Either course, it was blown.

As Shawn is trying to introduce JLo, you can literally sounds the entire gathering chit-chat in the background. It’s deafening. No one is paying attention to him. At one point Ja Rule runs across the stage behind him and just starts chatting with another person in the gathering. Parties are taking selfies. It was brutal. Shawn Mendes could have said literally anything in that time because nobody was given attention. He could have been like, “I have Donald Trump’s pee tape on a thumb drive right now! ” and the gathering would have been like, “Do you know when someone is coming around with more guzzles? ”

Anyway, JLo then dedicated a is an excellent lecture about her long ass vocation in which she called one of her administrators her “three eyed crow, ” so I guess we know JLo likes Game of Thrones .

JLo : It’s been so crazy fantasy my wildest dreams watching them all come true.
Me Drinking Boxed Wine, Blocking Yet Another Call From My Credit Card Company :

The only thing missing from this, in my opinion, was that I really missed JLo to perform “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” by Selena. That would have been dope.

Madonna?

Soooo we have to talk about the absolute weirdest instant of the night, which was supposed to be the most solemn.

It all started out well and good with the VMA’s attempt at an Aretha Franklin tribute, but then Madonna came out dressed like someone who was about to sell you counterfeit ayahuasca at a carnival and you know shit is about to go off the rails.

Madonna utilized Aretha Franklin’s tribute to tell a long-ass narrative about herself. Does Madonna fantasize the VMAs are The Moth? Is this her one-woman testify? I’m rightfully flustered. The storey has literally good-for-nothing to do with Aretha Franklin, other than the facts of the case that at one point she sings an Aretha Franklin song, which is more about Madonna letting us know she’s a good singer than it was about Aretha Franklin’s contributions to music.

Then Madonna launches into a different story that actually has nothing to do with Aretha Franklin even tangentially, where she reminds us all about the time she sang “Like A Virgin” on a cake and her administrator said her profession was over. She objective that concert by saying “lol” outloud, but pronouncing it wrong.

Thank you, Madonna, for that stroking contribution.

Final Thoughts

All in all a pretty guideline VMAs, but I have to get one thing off my chest: Does anybody else feel like child Asahd, DJ Khaled’s 1-year-old son, is similar to, too young to be at the VMAs? The VMAs are late as f* ck! Too raucous. He’s a damn newborn! Everyone here is drink. Get a babysitter and draw him to the VMAs when he can actually sing along to some of the psalms. That’s precisely my belief.

Also, did anybody else catch that Truth commercial-grade about how smoking will give you erectile dysfunction? That was…a lot.

Also, why the f* ck was Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, Michael Avenatti, there? Don’t you have a case to be working on? Are we just going all in on the” politics is entertainment” happen now?

Tune in next year when the VMAs will be hosted by Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, with a act by Betsy DeVos.

Portraits: Getty Images; GIPHY( 14 )

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